God please fulfill my heart and make it whole again.
I trust my life, my problems, my troubles to you.
I pray you take the lead and direct me where you wish me to go.

I don't know why, today, a Wednesday, of no particular meaning, has turned out to be such a hard day.

I miss him.
I miss him a lot.


I feel like a giant part of me is missing.


Worst part? I know it doesn't matter.

I went to the library today in an effort to distract my mind and search for some answers.
272 pages and three hours later I feel like I got somewhere.

In seems strange to try to make sense of all this. A part of me wants to say, fuck it. Its over and it wasn't your choice to be over, so there's nothing you can do about it now.
While the other, more rational side wishes to seek the reasoning. If nothing else, for the future ahead of me.

I've come to some very good, yet confusing, conclusions.
All so simple its kinda makes me laugh.

You don't want to be with someone if they don't want to be with you. Or even, work with you. Its not fair to you, you deserve someone who wants to make it work.

You don't know how he feels, and while you've tried to put yourself in his shoes, no amount of empathy will ever make you, Jessica, understand how hurt he is. If he can't move past, you have to let him go.

It takes work. It takes two sides of work. If you don't feel you're getting what you need out of a relationship, move on.

Someone should love you, empower you, encourage you, support you. Acknowledge the good and bad of you and accept that about you.

I have to maintain my and his independence. So often I've pushed myself to please everyone around me before pleasing myself both in an effort to have people like me more and because I've always been taught that to take care of yourself is to be selfish. I however, must remain, at my core, who I am. I must retain and maintain relationships with people outside.

I can't count on a relationship to fulfill my every need and desire. I can't expect him to solve everything for me. I have to create the life I need, want and deserve first. I have to find my own happiness.

I have to be realistic and yet, never compromise my heart.

Nothing hurts more than being ignored.

Nothing stings more than claiming to be friends and shut out at what could be considered one of the lowest points of my life.


I don't care if you all think I'm being over dramatic. I thought people were better than that.


No one will understand how much this all crushed me.

I lost faith in a lot of things.


Including people I never thought I would.

So I lost it tonight.

A horrible day. Little to no sleep, plans with friends that fell through or lack of a better term, I was ditched. On top of everything, its the holiday. A time of year frankly I would love to skip or sleep right through.

So I came home, parents in bed, retreated to my room and just cried.
The kinda cry where you're only stopping for air or the occasional tissue.

Sometimes, I don't know, you just need to get it out.

For some reason I was drawn to the box I keep under my bed.
Its a box, shoebox size, containing anything and everything of our relationship. I mean it, I kept everything.
Concert tickets (including the surprise concert that was pretty much one of our first "real" dates) plane tickets, photo booth photographs from trips to malls, movie tickets, every card, letter and note. I have it all.

Digging to the bottom, I find my cards and letters. The ones he wrote me.
Specifically one from my 20th birthday.

I read the words carefully. It was like it was a card I've never seen before from someone I didn't even know.
The words were everything any girl would dream to hear, to have someone say, write, to even have someone think about them - and there they were and in his writing.

Confessions of undying devotion, phrases of love and adoration and sentences detailing how much he missed me and couldn't wait to be back with me once again.

And this is where I finally stopped crying.
I couldn't remember the last time I heard something like that from him - not wanting to sound like a clingy kinda a girl but let's be honest. We all want to hear those things and I don't know, I feel like it wasn't so much to ask to hear or read those things once in awhile.
I believe I'm worthy of hearing those things and being with someone who honestly feels those things about me. I, deserve that.

But it had been awhile. Awhile for hearing those words, from a note, a card. A something.


Maybe it was time. Maybe he was out of love.
Maybe in some strange way that seems to be so hard for me to understand, this was it for him and maybe it was a long time coming that I refused to accept.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'm right, I can't speak if the following conclusions even begin to hit the mark.
As with all long term relationships, there's always more to it than black and white.
I am certainly not innocent to the problems that added in the relationship's demise.

But maybe, it makes a little more sense. Heartbreaking, crushing, lonely sense.
Especially because I can honestly, from the bottom of my heart, the center of my being, all that I am, speak that I did love him, adore him and believe in him and tried to always show, say and write that.


If nothing more, at least tonight, I stop crying for a bit.

I got ditched tonight.







Fuck the holidays.

Get out of my head.





Why can't stop thinking about you when its clear you're not thinking about me.





Fuck.
I know I made mistakes. I know everyone says it gets easier.


When.

I'm starting to think that maybe everything I thought I wanted isn't what I need.


I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted.
But then this happened.

And it threw my world in a tailspin.


Now I don't know which way is up.


I just want a real job. I want to get up and go to work. I want to be an adult.
I want to have my own place. I want my own friends. I want a fresh start.


I want food to taste the same, music to sound normal. For life to be fun again. To smile. To snap out of this constant hazy fog that follows me everywhere I go.


I just want to be happy again.

Every night, before I go to bed, I pray.


"Please God, if you're out there and you can hear me, please, just take the pain away."


I'm starting to believe that He can't hear me.




I know, you're all tired of hearing me complain, tired of hearing the sob stories, the depressing words.

I'm tired too.

With all this, it leaves me with a lot of time. A lot of time I spend thinking.
Mostly just staring off into space, nodding occasionally in social situations and driving with the music off in the car. Laying in bed, concentrating on the ceiling tiles and finding myself watching, rather, looking past the television while its on mute.

Just thinking.

How could I have been so sure and he be so unsure.
How could you lose something you loved with your whole heart?
Where did it all go wrong. What were the signs I missed.
My parents did mention he seemed distant the last time he came to see me.
Is it me? Am I not supportive enough? Too needy? Too insecure?

Conclusions and self-accusations flood my mind.
You're too uptight. You don't know how to have a good time.
You're too in control. Too conservative. Too needy.
Your insecurities got the best of you and took the best you had.

Just as I was starting to feel good, no. Amazing.
I've lost over 20 pounds, clothes were fitting the way I'd always dreamed and dare I say it, I was feeling sexy.
I looked in the mirror and found myself thinking, "you're a cute girl." Not in a vain way, just, happy.
Thinking, this is me. And I think I'm finally okay with who I am.

And now.
It's hard to be happy with yourself when the person you adored isn't sure.
When they don't know if they can resist all the girls you secretly wished you always were. The girls you always compared yourself too, the ones that made you feel two feet tall.
Beautiful, confident girls who fault their sexuality like jewelry. With tanned skin, shiny dyed hair, cutting edge, tight clothes. Girls that ooze radiance, appeal. The kind of girls that laugh at your jokes, the girls that party, drink and love to have a good time.

Thoughts.

Thoughts of what you could have done differently.
You know your mistakes and can't help but crush yourself internally for being so stupid.

I wonder why I'm not enough. Why boys get tired and move on.
I think about how much it hurts and how scared of what's ahead.
I hate staring at my phone, checking a 100 times a day, just hoping, praying that maybe you'll call. You'll check in, or admit you made a mistake.


But it never happens.


So I'm just left to think.
Think about you. Memories. Good. Bad. Happy.
Think about who you're thinking about and what she did to capture what I thought was mine.
Think about me and where I'm going. To think about what's next.


And just to wish I didn't have to think anymore.